The Kluck Index

Apparently meat can shackle you with Type 2 now, if you're 42 it's time to pack your bags, Liquid Death has a lousy-sounding new flavor and slow down on those FitBit steps buddy!

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AI may start inbreeding, Bennifer is no longer, all of us are looking for a new gig and none of us are having kids....

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Lays is taking you around the World, your computer may be able to smell now, we have a new World's Oldest Person, kids aren't drinking these days and you may be able to hear in a coma!

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A Bolivian tribe may hold the secret to long life, we may have an AI attack this week, CEO sounds like the job to go after and today we celebrate National Radio Day!

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North Korea may be opening up for vacation plans, more than 4 cups of coffee a day is no bueno, Little Debbie is going hard this Fall and today we celebrate soft ice cream!

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Bro it is HOT this year, Burning Man is having a bad year, RFK Jr. is looking for a gig, shelters sound wild in New Zealand and Dad jokes are good for your kids!

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A wild collector car is getting sold down in Indy, inflation is making up care for our cars better, Chick Fil A is bringing back a spicy sammy and Home Depot says we're all screwed!

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Subway has a deal for you this week, moderate drinking does older folks no good, we're getting plenty sick of Pumpkin Spice, and having a goon cave could be the best thing you do for your health!

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A woman in China has it figured out, Arby's has a new Summer treat, your old memes are killing the environment, uggos don't live as long and belly up to the bar for a bowl of Candy Salad. 

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Schools are getting kids hip to fake news spotting, Julius Caesar had a cologne that probably worked better than Axe, the Olympics are done and it's Vinyl Record Day!

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Costco is cracking down on outsiders, nightmares may mean something other than wheat we thought, a couple of criminals make the Index and ISIS messes with the wrong fanbase!

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The rover in Paris sounds puketastic, Google has had a very expensive week, Arby's is coming for that wallet, we all hate AI and Pop Tarts has your party plans covered. 

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Totally spaced on uploading this yesterday. 

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Hurricane Debby is raising Hell, 7-11 is jumping into the Pumpkin Spice game, we crave the spicy, Hormel has a new bacon flavor and stocks are down I guess?

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Chipotle gets a bit more generous, Ford is making snitches, dark chocolate is out, White Castle is in and things were rather warm last month!

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A&W getting real loose this Summer, Taco Bell could really use some AI, lame names are still tops, FAU wants you to dial it down at the gym and today kicks off a weekend with International Beer Day

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McDonald's is having a rough time, we're feeling more confident about the financial future, we're all skippin g meals, Applebee's never heard of Red Lobster and Boar's Head is having a bad week at the deli counter lol

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Just realized as I am uploading this today is the last day of July. Suck City. 

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Doing GoFundMe is hard work, Kraft wants those arteries clogged, business is big on campus, the barcode celebrates a birthday and a kid in Nebraska is in big trouble. 

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The Earth is cooking, we may soon be able to fold out iPhones, Facebook sucks and today we celebrate the World's Finest Food!

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We learned a very interesting faux pas we've all been making out entire lives with regards to the Olympics!

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Snoop Dogg is all-in on the Olympics, Texas is swelling, the Weinermobile at an oopsie-daisy and we learned all about whisker fatigue!

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Repos are up, Chick Fil A is down, Kellogg's is sweetening your coffee game, DQ has a deadly starting 5 for Fall and man...today is National Tequila Day. 

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We love our plain ice cream, Montana is home to a 72 year old badass, none of us are going to be watching the Olympics, Smoky is 80 and today we tip our hats to the hot Grannies!

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Sex is out, the Middle East is cooking, Carl's Jr. has an awful shake idea, Tropicana is ripping people off and Joe is out!

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A couple of generations define themselves by their travel, Skittles has a new jam, half of us are gonna stay sick if we get sick, Arby's assaults your underpants and UCLA likes to get lifted!

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The Barstool guy gets stranded, loads of us are piling on the side hustles, the Dow is up, Target doesn't want your checks anymore and it's National Dole Whip Day!

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There is a moon cave, Elon says he's an alien, 2080 is going to be crowded AF, Sour Patch Kids want your teeth and today we celebrate an American Classic!

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AI is sucking up a ton of power, we buy a truckload of new clothes every year, the Baja Blast Summer rolls on, mail is going up and the price of coke is going down!

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Back after an extended weekend! We lost a ton of celebrities over the weekend, I went on a helluva motorcycle ride, we recognize the worst puddling flavor ever and not a ton of us feel like college is worth the[...]

There is a guy with a hilarious name in Ohio, McDonald's and Subway are ruining my Summer diet, Gypsy Rose is pregnant and we're a tired, tired bunch!

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Applebee's has a treat for the working man, we set a flight record last Sunday, the World will start ending sooner then we'd like and today tip back a Pina Colada!

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Today we celebrate dimples, Palm Springs is frying this week, coffee is getting more expensive every year, your fat face may give you away to your doctors and Chipotle is getting you hyped for Paris '24!

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Those new weight loss drugs may clean your whole life up, some of us are planning on having a spicy Summer, Kansas City holds the BBQ crown and the kids these days are not down with movie filth!

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We're blasting off into a four day weekend....depending on how cool the banks are with that direct deposit lol

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A casino in Detroit is stingy AF, majority of us make big purchases we regret, cats are getting lab grown chicken, Massachusetts is pricey and Walmart has a super poor sounding treat!

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Man, already July? Feels like Summer is slipping right through our fingers!

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The kids love moving, none of trust the media and it may be my fault, dogs make great movie biddies and Hungry Howie's needs to start selling breath mints!

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Today is the day PornHub pulled up stakes in Indiana. Pour one out. 

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InfoWars is being dismantled, NASA has some creepy news about asteroids, we have the Bahamas at home and Pizza Hut is bringing back the GOAT!

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Even the richies are living paycheck to paycheck, watch out for Ozempic knock-offs, Krispy Kreme has limited edition freedom and Hot Ones has it's own booze!

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It was hotter than hot this weekend, your love of the java may depend on your DNA, I finally saw a Cybertruck in the wild and also I did a great job as pit crew for a bike race this[...]

Subway is going hard this Summer, if you're under 40 you're rich, Red Robin gets it's gold, Ecuador is missing out on the Hawk Tuah girl and we feel older than we are. Much older. 

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Lay's is running back a fan favorite, Mountain Dew is having a wild Summer, we feel older than we are, Pizza Hut wants deeper into your pockets and it's officially Summer today!

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Hey, it's the last day of Spring! Newsmax ain't doing too well, Pineapple Pepsi was a thing and it's back, intermittent fasting may help you whoop cancer and Pizza Hut is running back a classic!

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There is a wanted bear in California, DQ has a new Summer treat, hybrid workers are happiest, bike lanes are the best and Texas cops made a gross discovery

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Gordon Ramsey had a bad bike trip, facially expressive people are better liked, the Hamptons are swimming in poo and a Brooklyn man needs to calm himself down man....

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Nick Cannon's Fathers Day sounds wild, things are getting too spicy in Denmark, we have a battle of the heavyweights coming this fall and KFC is out of their minds!

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Bro, soon we're ALL gonna be on Ozempic, Apple is making sleaziness easier, 7-Eleven and Drumstick create an unholy alliance, KFC has the Summer vibes and June 27 is going to be a bad day in Indiana.  

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We have twin baby elephants, celebrate jerky (if you can afford it), guys will do anything to avoid talking about our health, working out at night may help your sugarbeetis and the Rangers are swinging a bit pipe this Summer!

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AI is already starting to turn evil, Taco Bell is testing new sexiness out in the Motor City, Walmert is falling on some hard times and today we celebrate our Forklift Certified heroes!

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A Phish fan gets the boot, Ben and Jen are selling their crib, most of us are all in on true love, a bad sheep joke and there is are black market Legos now?!

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Sleep is a luxury, PBR wants us to have the Summer of Scoots, we celebrate the VCR and all of us are carrying more than a few bucks in debt!

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A remote Amazon tribe is getting a goon cave, Domino's is on Uber Eats, tonight the NBA Finals tip off and Reese's won't stop until we're all disabled. 

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It's my birthdayyyyyy!

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Crumbl is going large, only a few of us sleep well, the Tyson fight is postponed and CEOs are doing well these days

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Oil is going up, Panda Express is cranking up the heat, a load of people have no idea how to ride a bike, Ticketmaster is having a bad week and DQ has a new treat!

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BW3 has a new jam, Gen Z kids are living double lives, we all clean before vacation, we are worn the hell out with politics and Lenny Kravitz is a HUGE liar!

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Dinosaurs may have been dumbasses, we could be living forever sooner than we thought, the World's Oldest Trucker has been crowned, Hardee's has new bowl paint and Hot N' Ready has been a thing way longer than we thought!

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Bragging about your hours ain't cool bro, another billionaire wants a swing at the Titanic, hot dogs are gonna end us and if they don't Crumble will.

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Big city dating sounds horrendous, old guys are hanging onto their keys, Welch's is getting into the booze game and kids all have ADHD now.....which could mean something nice for you

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Memorial Day weekend here we come! 

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Graceland may be up for grabs, microplastics are infesting your boys, we have 10 extraordinary days a month. fish oil may be killing you and for the love of God people USE YOUR PTO TIME

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Kid Rock is very Kid Rock these days, music peaked in 2011, Pittsburgh has buried cocaine, climate change is coming for us all and how would you like to pay with your face??

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We're going to start living longer, apparently kids on social media start vaping more often (wut?) kids are using Zyn for weight loss, Pringles is upping their game and OpenAI sounds safe....

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Another check in the win column for separate bedrooms, Bakersfield has a problem bro, Taylor Swift has a hickey, we are down about the economy and McDonalds has a new McFlurry starting tomorrow!

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David Copperfield is having a terrible time, Pizza Hut veers wildly out of their lane, there is a difference between a trip and a vacation and today we celebrate the humble walnut!

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We have anew SI Swimsuit Edition, working nights not only sucks but may be making you fat, being in prison sounds cushy, Bumble has to apologize and raw milk people are nuts!

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Back after a riveting day of mandatory company culture training!

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Police in an Ohio town are taking a massive gamble to save a few bucks, ultra-processed foods are gonna kill you but cutting back won't help, we need to drink more water and what is happening with our older folks?

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Wham. Today marks 14 years of JLNK. Thanks babes!

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The Index got interrupted by some phantom bass waves. "Phantom" ones that apparently happen every day lol. 

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Ladies have screwed up a good thing, times are tight at Tesla, Utah is tops again, Britney Spears is doing fine and grab a Coke buddy!

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We're getting a Fast & The Furious ride, some of us thing E.T. was a horror movie, uh, it's "German Week," and Lindt wants all you candy money!

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A Pennsylvania man goes Florida, we do not care about that "check engine" light, Starbucks is having a rough 2024 and KFC is bringing the sexual heat this Summer!

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Nude cruises are apparently a thing, Taco Bell is back to testing tasty goodies, when it comes to your home smell is more important than cleanliness and Sonic and Applebee's are teeing up a pretty rad Summer!

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Krispy Kreme wants to reward you, some of us our Sour kings and queens, Chuck E Cheese is pretty full of themselves these days and my simple hack to save on life insurance. 

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Bruh. It's already May. 

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The Great Lakes need some cleaning, Taco Bell is working on something new, Qdoba has a vendetta against clean underpants and bruhhhh April is already over!

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Turns out we don't blow that much on concert shirts, nearly half of us fear a four day workweek, Perrier is having a bad start to the weeks, celebrate the Scampi and I got a new appliance over the weekend!

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Hooters has a new jam, Oreo does too, kids today be vapin and drankin' it up, White Claw is turning up this Summer and we're all gonna need glasses soon!

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Great news, you're not old (yet, Ritz has a new flavor, farmers need to tone down their cows, TikTok's days are numbered and it's NFL draft night!!!

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50 Cent thinks he can beat a guy's ass, Trader Joe's has some luxurious garlic bread, Sprite has a new flavor and we are getting dumber. All of us. 

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Denny's has a new jam, Starbucks' baristas reveal their favorite drinks, fast food prices are getting too damned high, Digiorno is giving you the best of both frozen worlds and Crumbl is making Mondays a little sweeter!

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Morgan Wallen is starting his apology tour, Stanley and Starbucks want all of your money, weed may protect your brain and it's Earth Day!

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IT'S 4/20 EVE Y'ALL!!!

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Popeye's is getting in the 420 spirit, we hate making financial moves, West Virginia has the jobs, Tesla is having a rough week and hug a Lineman today!

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We no sleep. We stress big. Reese's is getting into the Olympic spirit, fake girlfriends are going to be huge business and NASA has it's next Mars simulator crew!

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Lunchables may be bad for you, kids have about a half hour attention span, we all fall for tourist traps and don't buy sex toys off of Facebook!

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Tax day baby! Guys need to do better with our oral hygiene, golf season has started, apparently we want to sleep with robots and our pets give us all the joy apparently. 

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O.J. died, chocolate will soon only be for the elite, working out in the evening may be just what you need and bro, we eat some serious grilled cheese in this country. 

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Some of us haven't felt healthy in a year, writing down your anger might help you out a bit, we have a new pickle treat, Panera is making huge menu changes and being lonely could lead you down a darker[...]

iPhone privacy is not a thing, Nature Made had made gummy vitamins even less attractive, Walmart was caught overcharging, I finally got a lawnmower and it turns out, mathematically retirement may be impossible!

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Morgan Wallen had a rough weekend, Pat Sajak has hosted his final show, Crocs and Kellogg's have teamed up for clown shoes, Borat is single and man, how about that eclipse?!

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Back after vacation! If you know one thing about this show it's that we NEVER miss an eclipse!

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Just a quick programming note: We're off until April 8. Your regularly scheduled Index will be back rested, relaxed and in full mediocrity! 

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The stock market is up, Diddy is having a pretty bad time these days (lol), Crown Royal Blackberry is a thing and man oh man if I hit the Powerball this is your last index ever!

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Kevin Bacon is doing something cool for 40 years of "Footloose," we love our snacks and we're loyal as Hell to them, church is down, the Mega Millions tonight is up. Way, way up. 

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Stephen A is out there talking wild about baked potatoes, we have child bank robbers in Texas, Oreo has a new flavor, we find our first grays around the same time and we are no loner very happy as a[...]

Journey has had a huge week, most dudes know we stink, Baja Blast celebrates an anniversary and man oh man, what a bad week for a guy named Othani!

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Back after a brief mid-week break! Bad news for dudes over 25, Trader Joe's bags are apparently a hot item, Chipotle is giving the people what they want and it's tourney time baby!!

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We have a new (gross) beer headed our way, we have a new fattest city, Easter is getting pricey, a drunk in England does the breathalyzer the wrong way and it's National Sloppy Joe Day!!

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Aaron Rodgers may be a Vice President one day, rats are getting stoned in NOLA, some of us admit to digging the house to ourselves, you can apparently learn how to be happy and sad week for Dollar Tree....

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We're treating our 401k poorly, Deadspin is dead again, we have zero clue what we're doing with taxes, Little Caesar's has a new tasty treat and inflation is BACK!

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Fake news is heating up on the internet, Zanzibar sounds like a buck wild place around dinner time, men will NEVER give up meat, Google has a new supercomputer and daily weed use could kill you it turns out. 

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Kids are getting priced out of groceries, Aldi may be their solution, ladies' shower time is important, carbs may be ruining you romantically and some Chiefs fans are idiots. 

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It's a special day for one Western state, Oscar Meyer is going meatless, clown makeup is bad at the gym, Pittsburgh has a nude bowling event next month and it's Daylight Saving Time this weekend, ugh!

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Bananas are holding steady in these uncertain times, Orcas are out there killing for fun, a fella is covering se Vegas fun up to his wife and we learn about "Playstation Neck."

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Indiana has a pot problem, half of us feel manly pressure, we're using social media for landscaping ideas, the Big Mac guy keeps cranking and Detroit was hot on Monday!

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Anxiety meds are something you'd get anxiety for taking, Kenosha, Wisconsin is throwing it back to the 90s, Wyoming is one giant house-fire risk and jury duty went well yesterday for me. Not the defendant. 

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Panera has some new treats priced for the working man, kids are scared of tax season, Oregon wants out of the drug business, gold is up and I have jury duty this afternoon. Boo!

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Hazah, the first day of March! I may have jury duty this weekend, it's employee appreciation day, Wendy's is acting right after backlash, Pringles is pleasing the fans and America has a new favorite snack. I refuse to believe adults[...]

It only happens once every 4 years. That's right, a Leap Day Index!

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Ketamine may help you out of your hole, Wendy's wants to start a riot in the streets, Florida woman is making midweek moves, having a six pack ain't all it's cracked up to be and Kellogg's wants you to save[...]

Stanley is in some hot (possibly contaminated) water, we have an owl down in Central Park, Ann Arbor rules, seniors love VR, teens love their phones more and the uglier you are the more time you're doing.

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We'd never survive life on Mars, mosquitoes have a new horrifying illness they're bringing to the States, being out of work in Utah is rough, your tasty treats are killing you and parent's give the dating green light when you're[...]

Red Lobster didn't bank on all of us being land monsters, our brains are making us look like fools, over half of us are taking in tunes on YouTube, we have a new biggest snake and yesterday was a rough[...]

Coke has a new limited edition flavor, A&W is making the most of their off season, MGK has new ink, Chuck E. Cheese is wildin' out, the laziest cities in the U.S. get outed and Stanley has a sexy new[...]

We ghost interviews, the job, the employer, all of it. Women get more out of the gym than men, loads of people are hitting 65 this year, some of us poop without coffee assistance and today we celebrate an overrated[...]

Bad news if you're a Steel Reserve drinker, Miami hates Spring Break, cats are bad negotiators, my furnace woes are over for the week and a Congressman in Texas has website problems. Or does he?

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The Daytona 500 got delayed, math is exciting until it isn't, old guys misuse emojis, cold beer could be out in Tennessee and it's President's Day!

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Jason skipped the awards banquet, we're spending too much time alone, Red Lobster has free lobster, we skip breaks and holding hands is good for you!

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Thailand is cracking down on something but not the something that they should, a radio guy is in big trouble, your ugly mug on dating apps could be helping someone else and a shark in NC has some explaining to[...]

Happy Valentine's Day y'all!

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The Apple headset may ruin your brain, Alaskapox is apparently a thing you can die from, your face may be giving away a lot about you, Romans were trippin', and it's Fat Tuesday yo!

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We have a new metal band name, how you smell can say a lot about your health, the FCC is cracking down on robocalls....sort of and what a game last night! 

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The country's most expensive digs are up for sale, we're trashing the moon, we're consumed by work, dissatisfied with our lives...basically everything is fine lol!

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Bears that are high on drugs are a huge issue in Florida, first impressions on a date include what you're wearing, rinning high is fantastic, Applebee's wants more of your cash and we have the World's Largest Goldfish!

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The NFL is headed South, way, way South, General Mills is making extreme cereal, sitting around all day at work will find you in an early grave, deviled eggs are bad luck (?) and we're in debt up to our[...]

All is not well in the Mahomes camp, New Jersey is host a World Cup Final, we love our appetizers, our soup rules this weather, Elon Musk sounds like anightmare boss and today make the web a safer place!

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Wild hogs may be healthy for the land, Stanley has some words about the lead in those cups, Subway has a foot long hit on it's hands and Red Robin has something for the ladies...

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Old produce is worth big money, one state is dirtier than the rest, and Happy Groundhog Day!!

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High five your eye doctor, the kids love boozin' at home, your grandparents are splitting up, Burger King is getting sexy this week and stay hungry my friend, it could keep dementia at bay!

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DRY JANUARY IS FINALLY OVER!!

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You're supposed to be planning a vaca today, big boobs are out for 2024, some people just love conflict, the White House is cracking down on AI nudes and we are all gonna die if aliens ever show up!

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Sextortion is not as fun as it sounds, cleanliness is only important to half of us, half of us are coughing it all up to landlords, AI porn is having quite a weekend and more soup being thrown at the[...]

These planes are falling apart, the Doomsday Clock is ticking closer to the end of humanity, streaming is killing our wallets, we love our Apple pie and today we celebrate the redneckiest of all the states!

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Half of us are alarm clock liars, Norway is a nice place to kick back when it's all over, Tesla is down, an NBA star is out and a whole lot of us consider divorce in the first 6 months[...]

Remember writing things by hand? Me neither! Some of us still don't own a TV, we fold out laundry on the bed, we tailgate and we all hate self-checkout!

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Kevin came into town this weekend, the Pack is out, we may have to pay for the big game someday, some guy in Turkey is having a lousy go of it and GO DETROIT!!

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Plants talk to each other, we need about $100K to not freak out, man boobs will eventually kill you, laws are getting tweaked in Kentucky, Kraft is upping their flavor game and LIONS BABY!

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We may have an ever worse strain of COVID on the way, sleeping in the nude is best for your sex lives, Taco Bell is getting into the cereal game, say "I love you" with a pickle bouquet and today[...]

Texans are about to be filth balls, we could have a trillionaire soon, another cruise another case of norovirus, raise a glass to the bootleggers and we're not having kids these days...

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It's still damned cold out, podcast listening is down, we aren't at our best very often, some folks are using LinkedIn for romance and Gary Busey is still out there in the wild. 

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A Cleveland man is the hero we all need, Ozempic has an awful side effect, the Cowboys got HOUSED yesterday, we love our food and yes bro, it was COLD this weekend!

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We are done with fashion in this country, three coaches hung it up this week, Aaron Rodgers is done with TV for 2024, McD's is trying to kill us and the LIONS BABY!!!

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Miller Lite thinks they're "helping" with Dry January, White Sox fans go hard, we see ourselves in our pets, United Airlines' terrible week continues and pour one out for Buzzfeed....

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Diets are hard, working out with a partner is worse, living in the sticks may be good for your health, West Virginia sounds awful and we have a Most Dangerous Gas Station In America!

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Tiger and Nike are now divorced, WingStop is doing Dry January, so is Blue Moon, Baja Blast turns 20 and we love leather jackets?

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The only thing that matters today is it's Jason Lee's birthday! Like, his actual birthday, not the floating one he uses as an excuse to skip work parties...

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The only thing that matters today is it's Jason Lee's birthday! Like, his actual birthday, not the floating one he uses as an excuse to skip work parties...

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The mouthwash game is changing, Britney Spears is looking for a new line of work, two States have banned the online nudes...sort of, we know how to get fit we just don't want to and Jason's Dry January continues!

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Smells can really take you back to a simpler time, that PM slump is real boiiiii, most of us are good boys and girls and someone in Michigan won the Powerball!

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Parents want to be called by their first names, over half of us are done with resolutions, be careful with your mushrooms, turtles are down, men's fannies are up!

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....and we're back!

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And that's a wrap for 2023! Thanks for listening this year, we'll be back on 1/2/24!

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Working at Gallup sounds easy as Hell, social media is killing your career, a dude sets a super lame Guinness record, half of us lie about where we are and Taylor Swift is chugging out some serious carbon!

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The Pistons are in a bad way, we use LOADS of plastic bags every year, we eat a 4th meal worth of snacks, hate talking with people on public transportation and today we celebrate one of the most erotically named[...]

Taylor Swift grossed the most this year, we think our guests may secretly more stoked about seeing our pets than us, we spend a load of time planning for the holidays, Tesla is having a bad week and if you're[...]

Well scientists can read our thoughts now, A woman on TikTok is urging us to ban the bra, text messages are a pain, never, EVER stifle a sneeze and we get some very bad news about affording the American Dream. 

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Ocean Spray has entered the cocktail game, Florida woman is just as wild as Florida man, fries are king on DoorDash and OMG IT'S TAYLOR'S BIRTHDAY!!

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Sears is back, we're all going to be broke next year, some of us have wild retirement hopes, White Claws is doing something odd and Taylor Swift is swimming in it!

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We're pretty strict in first date chemistry, we miss the good ol' days, High Life is helping you decorate, Instagram may help a few of us drop the holiday lbs and the Lions need to get their stuff together. 

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Taco Bell has answered our Christmas wishes, women want cash for Christmas, justice is sweet in Ohio, being married may kill you and we have a new illness headed our way!

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Gen Zers wanna work for themselves, our pets are killing our sleep, Florida man wear his resume on his shirt, we have 3 specific Xmas candies and most of us still choose love over money!

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We're not much into the movie theater these days, we all flush things we're not supposed to, cats may be driving you insane and bro today is the company Christmas party!!

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Today we celebrate ninjas everywhere, find out what dating costs these days, sex scenes are down, catching a spouse cheating is up and bad kids need to seek shelter tonight!

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Someone is getting canned at The Lob, bedtime is better than sleeptime, George Santos is out, Dice is in and my wife has left for business so I'm unattended!

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Holy heck it's already December. Well that is gonna depress me all weekend. 

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White Castle hates underpants, kids ask an astounding number of questions, Guy Fieri is making mucho bucks, AI is coming to get us all and today we celebrate the humble METH

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Peace Tea is going HARD, TJ Maxx is irresistible, Jack's Links wants to stop you up this holiday season, Disneyland turns a dude on too much and man, we spent ALL the dough on Black Friday!

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Kids are getting heftier these days, the turtles are having less sex, loads of you psychos wear socks to bed, Star Wars is everywhere and it's time to give baby, JUST GIVE!!

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Some of us open other's mail, a band breaks up onstage, Millennial needs half a milly, cheating could be good for your marriage and we have a new Chapstick flavor nobody asked for. 

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Last Index until next week, have a great holiday! 

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Denny's in Cali sounds amazing, we want to go vacation alone, whiskey is a hobby I cannot afford, almost all of us are happily married and today we celebrate the humble television. 

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Short work week! Big meeting of the minds for MNF tonight, Hidden Valley is kicking up the Ranch game, 5 cities are big on cheating and one state is drowning in debt and it's not us!!

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Apologies, forgot to click "upload" before I yeeted off to a beer festival last weekend. 

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We are a lonely bunch, Red Lobster is sexing things up, Thanksgiving may KILL you, Patrick Mahomes has an odd gameday superstition and today is our day Indiana!

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Florida mating rituals are NOT for kids' eyes, we're quite a thankful bunch, men are dying earlier, NASA lost some tools this week and today we celebrate one of the tastiest dessert of all time!

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New toys made it into the Hall of Fame, sleeping is the new fad exercise, TikTok is out in one country, we're getting used to inflation and our country's credit is in the dumper.

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Florida women be wildin', twas a bad weekend for the MCU, we have a new perfume that could cause issues for you at work, Walmart is being sensitive and I get my van back today!

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I'm getting bullied my neighbor kids, soda will turn you into a boozehound, younger people want experiences for Christmas, celebrate your Civic and Metallica is tonight baby!!

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Some old folks have it pretty bad these days, also it turns out they're all headed to Pennsylvania! Thursday night football is going to suck and today we celebrate Scrapple!!

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Science has found 8 things you can do to extend your life, we're going to a load of holiday gatherings, Dr. Phil still has viewers (?) and how does a free lap dance sound?

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We missed BravoCon, Phoenix hates it's homeless, dining out may be a flex, nerds have a new beer, night time makes us not very productive and crack open the vino, it's Merlot Day!

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Half of us have one true ride or die, if you suck at work it may be your bosses' fault, we're heading to Dubai, T-Swift has a new squad and tomorrow is Election Day!

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Britney has had a big week, kids have no problems talkin' salary, realtors have been pinched for being shady, we celebrate a noxious treat and if your lady cheats...odds are she got it from her Mom. 

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Some of us love fighting in front of people, if you're in Texas stay off the grid, Twitter is doing phone calls now, anger can HELP you and Krispy Kreme needs to calm down. Welcome to November!

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The last day of Rocktober...Happy Halloween faithful subscribers!

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Most Federal buildings are empty, LA is a shoplifter's paradise, McFlurry spoons are out, being single is costly, some grown-ass adults are scared of the elevator and if you grew up in the Midwest in the 80s and 90s.....you KNOW[...]

Birds are getting chesty these days, one guy thinks fat teachers are no good, teens are giving the thumbs down to nudity on TV, come of y'all are VERY forgiving and we all need to try a new restaurant!

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42 states are suing Facebook, some us started playing the kissing game really young, there is a Swiftie dating scam, nearly half of us deal with hauntings and scientists have heard radio from space!

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Some of you don't know how bad us uggos have it, we only have a few close friends, they need to make Ford Escorts to keep our kids safe, dog owners spend big and we don't exercise because were too[...]

We're not getting a new Bond anytime soon, buying a home in 2023 is rough, today we celebrate the lowliest of all lunch meats, a woman has a strange addiction and running even a tiny bit may be good for[...]

We have a new World's Hottest Pepper, a BBQ-only streaming service, turns out kids are cool with Mom and Dad tracking them, loads of people have gone belly, my van is going into the shop and there is a baby[...]

Car theft is way up, Taco Bell is testing some new tasty treats, the Ryans are gathering, loads of us way overestimate our "old family recipes," we're going on hard on Halloween and kids, take that whole credit thing seriously!

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Movies may help your stress levels, booze could come between you and your spouse...but it also might not, you can apparently undercook mushrooms, we're getting a new continent and loads of us may be headed to a plastic surgeon!!

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The Index took a bit of a detour today because of an inside joke between Jason and Warren.......

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Rite Aid is on it's way out, soda fountains sound disgusting, we're getting more prisons, Best Buy is clearing floor space, the beavers are back in London and we waste so much time on work emails. So. Much. Time. 

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Utah has a controversial calendar, none of us have much in savings, Pittsburgh leads the nation in horror, clean out your desktop and some of are seem to be pretty smart...the rest of us not so much.

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Friday the 13th?!!! Owning a newspaper sounds rough, thumbs down all bras today, glitter is OUT overseas, Domino's is bringing in the robots and your selfies are making you look so gooood girl!

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Will and Jada are making the news, we're all drowning in debt, eBay is in some hot water, snacks rule, Hardee's in Michigan City sounds like a wild place and pool season is officially over. 

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Our partners are driving us insane, a man gets a prize in his KFC, we love our chores, celebrate one particular kind of pizza and man, still nobody won the Powerball! 

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Walking around has never been deadlier, we deal with indoor bugs three ways, old people have it rough when it comes to tech lingo, Adderall is drying up and still nobody won the damned Powerball. 

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Running could help you kick depression, people smuggle animal turds these days, Ring is UFO hunting and wants your help, BK is celebrating Halloween early and all anyone cares about it the Powerball!

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We lose another educator to OnlyFans, a few of us still insist on being "that guy" on Halloween, Hoosiers love a trash candy, embrace our thiccc ladies today and we're screwed when Doomsday arrives. 

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Mortgage rates really are THAT high, Taco Bell needs to figure out what "all new" means, Canada is still burning, we skimp on pants and we have a new scariest city in America!

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A ton of us feel like we could be friends with out ex, cereal is down, we can pack away the pizza, Marines are getting a break on wardrobe, some of us are dressing our pets for Halloween and fish[...]

The robots are making robots now, we luv our coffee, Texas sounds wild AF, a man in New Jersey is overserved on the GNR and Taco Bell is having a party!

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Stairs can save you, Hoosiers are rude AF to delivery drivers, the government didn't shut down after all, "boy math" is a thing and you can buy George Washington's hair!

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We're still living paycheck to paycheck, McDonald's has new sauce, we take a ton of pics, the iPhone 15 is literally hot and Powerball is creeping up there!

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Russell Brand would like your money please, Reno sounds fun, we get bad gifts, pretend to like a ton of food, some of us keep bank mementos and it's National Drink Beer Day!

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Some of us snooze on the john, there is one tourist trap that is worse than the rest, we may soon find out if Uncle Sam has seen aliens, we take love over sex and some sheep in Greece has[...]

Influencers are being paid (gasp!) to sell you garbage, England may kick the cigs, self care is not a permanent fix, Winter cusk for some of us, Bam is sober and today we celebrate a humble apple farmer. 

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Misinformation is at an all time high, most of us suck at saving, Hulk Hogan is off the market, Costco wants you drunk until Christmas and most of our parents are still kicking us some cash!

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We don't know much about the people making the rules, ultra processed foods are killing us (but so tasty!) we're outliving our savings, Snoop is being SNoop and we have a live spectacle tonight!

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Rudy needs to pay up, they found the "missing" fighter jet, a walk may be the best first date you've ever had, we need to drink more water and not one of us trust the government!

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Well, here it is. Officially the last day of Summer. 

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We mow a ton of grass in this country, Hugh Jackman is single, Gigi Hadid is damn near perfect, city life sounds rough and today is one of the most annoying days on the calendar. 

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Russell Brand may be a scumbag of the highest order, we need our naps, Cup Noodles instead of coffee? Gas is up, Gatorade needs to stay in their lane!

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MTV VMAs aren't doing so hot, we're getting new FunYuns, Joe Rogan could be ruining your game, throw that old shirt out and now the casinos want us to feel bad for them lololololol

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Lunchables need to stay in their lane, we have a vaping Representative, worrying about your kids is a second full time job, our paychecks are down for another year and they caught that escapee in Pennsylvania!

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Not having social media makes you sus to the ladies, McDonald's is kicking the freeloaders out, Puddle of Mudd get banned from Flint and grown-ass men are dining off the kids menu?

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Doctors may have been messing up your blood pressure, some of us are ruining sleep for our partner, Tarzan is in and so are ants on a log!!

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Saginaw is a pretty dangerous place, Goodwill in Arizona sounds wild AF, Taco Bell has a "new" item, diabetes leads to depression and Little Caesars is bringing back a classic. I think it's a classic. Maybe not. Maybe just for[...]

Nelly was right if he was talking about climate change, Russia is, well, Russia, gamers are not exactly raking it in and some of you psychos have already started Christmas shopping. 

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You only need 4 things for relationship bliss, two guys in China are in huge trouble, 5 year plans are out, some of us have an odd definition of cheating and the NFL is back!!!

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Many of us are missing one kind of friend, Taco Bell is trying to class it up, we have a new STD to watch out for and Pringles is jumping on the Everything bandwagon. 

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Back after a long Labor Day weekend! Body hair is back in, wolves are back too! Whining is out, cheese is getting expensive and Twitter needs to slow it's roll bro....

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Burger King is in trouble, Chick-Fil-A is just giving it away, being a new parent is hella exhausting and there is a guy out there peeing in sinks....that aren't his!

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Ozempic may be a wonder drug, idiots are still out there looking for Nessie, we hate three foods, love foreign objects a bit too much and Fireball is getting fancy!

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Athletes are endorsing mayonnaise, Florida is gonna be wiped out, Dallas is going to get fried, we get a new place to use sunscreen and Britney's ex thinks he is going to be famous now lol

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Vasectomies are up, booze for the Gen Zers is down, Subway is being bought, Bab Barker is gone, we are a stressed bunch and the coop was completed!

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A Florida town is being terrorized, Mississippi goes hard at the concession stand, a new robot wants to get you hammered, climate change is ruining your home value and Kevin is coming to town!

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Ladies, wash your makeup utensils, Oscar Mayer needs to reel it in a bit, Amanda Bynes is out, Peach Pie is in and most of us are pretty OK with us. 

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We love our solitude, we got a new Navy ship, delivery food is down, tablet use is up, Harry Styles wants to help you get laid and we're all going to get heat stroke this week!

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Burning Man is cheaper than ever, things are not going well at Twitter/X, shaving your bits is a very dangerous deed, weed and boozer are up, degrees are down and we don't even know our own towns!

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Old Man Ernie's softball team makes the index, Florida woman doing Florida woman things, we celebrate the seniors today, Jason misses jury duty and Kid Rock drinks Bud Light!

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Mortgage rates are heading to the damned moon, the Gulf is boiling, we don't wash walls, don't go to the doctor when something hurts.....so yeah, things are going great!

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We love our drugs and alcohol, furries get violent, women don't like the morning sex, we all have big travel plans next year and we celebrate my favorite beverage today!

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Some of us would cheat for a stack of cash, pet owners are a gullible bunch, men say those three words faster than the ladies do and some of feel like our job is worthless. 

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Life is rough for public officials, Morgan Wallen gets a shave, IHOP is throwing a party, we spend big on wedding pictures, we celebrate the humble creamsicle and thumbs down on inflation!

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Cheating sounds like it is worth it, we spend a ton of dough on terrible food, half of us feel healthcare in this country is fine and parents think kids need to play music!

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We waste 8 minutes at work on Tinder, scientists have figured out how to best slow cook a human, Popeye's is hooking it up this weekend, Moms feel the heat and I'm dogsitting this weekend!

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We're getting priced out of new cars, thieves in Indy sound nerdy as Hell, COVID could make you face-blind and we may finally get the weight loss pill we've been waiting for!

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One of our favorite ladies is single again, we drink a boatload of smoothies, pork is up, nudes are down and we have a new record tastiest gin!

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Zoom is a bit two-faced, Tennessee loves it's desserts, Baby Boomers are splitting up more often, WW3 may be closer than we thought and it's all about the Mega Millions tonight baby!

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Taco Bell is bringing a classic out of retirement, the US Women are out, money matters to Millennials, they caught the foot weirdo and some folks feel like their jobs are worthless. 

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Getting a car loan isn't getting any easier, August sky is going to be cray, apparently some of y'all love Axe Body Spray, TV is down and the Mega Millions is way, way, way up!

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Humanity may be ending, Taco Bell is getting called out, school supplies are through the roof, Costco has a terrible idea, loneliness may ruin your brain and today we celebrate the IPA.

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South Korea has um....some "farming issues," Wisconsin wants these children at a job ASAP, we love reading, people are spending a couple bucks to have someone do their dirty work and Twitter has a lot of nerve!

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Good gravy, it's already August!

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Phoenix is on some ishhhh this month, your sex robot could turn on you, California is team No Sleep, SPAM goes to Flavortown and today we celebrate the Avocado!

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We spend a nice wad on impulse buys every month, Subway wants your name, Hulk Hogan is engaged brother, Aldi released it's greatest hits for 2023 and we're sunning wild with syphillis 

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Teens are staying off the road, Spotify is having a rough week, Phoenix' hot streak continues, Florida is boiling now too and it's National Chili Dog Day!!

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Kids may be bad for your doggo, scientists are getting this "live a long life" thing dialed in, we're getting a mountain of new emojis, Tom Brady isn't making news and it's either all or nothing!

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A new STD pill is backfiring, Phoenix continues to bake, UPS is gonna strike, a Fench town has the best idea ever, Elon Musk continues his hot streak and today raise your wine glass!

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Barbie has a bonkers weekend, Aloe may be killing us, a load of people are still cool with lighting up at home and we spend a load on delivery! Last week of July LFG!

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Massachusetts has a sexy bird statue, Natty Light and Sperry have teamed up (WTF?) we need space sex answers, we lie about gym time and we celebrate our favorite food today!

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A Texas woman sasses the wrong people, Taco Tuesday is for The People, half of doggos get to sleep in bed, Phoenix is cooking and Krispy Kreme wants you dead. 

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The Canadian smoke is back, loads of us have left because of a boss, overseas travel ain't that pricey, old iPhones are apparently worht loads of cash and we have a new single lady!

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Loads of us work in a toxic office, we're becoming more eco-friendly this year, some people are about to die in Death Valley, Indiana's water sucks, nobody here won Powerball and drive safe, Memphis!

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Florida steakhouses sound like Hell on Earth, the FDA has approved a new pill, groping in Italy is cool apparently and the Powerball is so swole bro....

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